How to Talk to Family Who Think 'It Won't Happen to Us': A Gentle Guide
Supporting Your Mental Health When Loved Ones Don't See the Danger
Toys and blocks with cropped person playing with them on the floor in black and white
You've been watching the news. You've seen the reports of Filipino green card holders being detained, caregivers arrested at work, and families separated despite having documentation.
And when you try to talk to your family about it, whether it's your Tita in California, your parents in New York, or your cousin in Texas, they brush it off.
"Don't worry, I'm a citizen."
"My husband is American, they won't bother me."
"We're not like those people. We follow the rules."
Maybe you want to scream. Maybe you want to shake them awake. Maybe you're desperate for them to see what you see, that citizenship didn't protect Lewelyn Dixon, a 64-year-old green card holder detained after 50 years in the U.S., and that documentation didn't stop the eight Filipino caregivers arrested in Chicago and deported within 24 hours.
But they don't want to hear it. If this is you, this guide is for you. It won't give you magic words that will make them listen, but it will help you navigate this painful reality while protecting your own wellbeing.
Why They Might Need to Believe They're Safe
Before we talk about how to have these conversations, it's important to understand why your family might resist hearing the truth.
Denial isn't always about ignorance. Sometimes, it's a survival strategy.
For Filipinos who have spent years, sometimes decades, building lives in the United States, accepting that their safety is precarious feels unbearable. They've invested everything: time, money, emotional energy, dreams. To acknowledge that "playing by the rules" might not protect them means confronting a reality where all that effort could disappear overnight.
This is compounded by colonial mentality, which is the deeply internalized belief that proximity to whiteness, to American institutions, and to "respectability" offers protection. Many Filipinos grew up learning that if you work hard, stay quiet, and assimilate, you'll be accepted. That if you're "one of the good ones," you'll be safe.
Research on immigrant communities shows that when people feel threatened, some respond by doubling down on assimilation and distancing themselves from others in their community. It's a psychological defense mechanism: "If I'm different from them, it won't happen to me."
Understanding this doesn't make it less painful to watch, but it might help you approach conversations with more compassion for them and for yourself.
What You're Actually Feeling (And Why It's So Hard)
Let's name what might be happening for you right now.
You may be experiencing what psychologists call "secondary trauma" or "vicarious trauma," which is the emotional impact of witnessing others' suffering, even from a distance. You might also be dealing with anticipatory grief, which means mourning something terrible that hasn't happened yet but feels inevitable.
On top of that, there's a specific kind of powerlessness in this situation. You can see the danger, but you can't make the people you love see it too. You're holding knowledge they won't accept and fear they won't share.
This is exhausting. This is heartbreaking. And it's completely valid.
Many Filipino-Canadians report feeling guilty for being safe in Canada while their family faces risk. The emotional weight of this situation is real.
You might also be angry at your family for not listening, at yourself for not finding the right words, or at the situation for being impossible.
All of this is normal. You're not overreacting. The situation is genuinely terrifying, and watching loved ones downplay it adds another layer of pain.
The Hard Truth: You Can't Make Them See It
Here's what might be the most difficult thing to accept: you cannot control whether your family acknowledges the danger.
You can share information, express your worry, and offer resources. But you cannot make someone believe something they're not ready to believe.
This doesn't mean you failed or that you didn't try hard enough or say the right thing. It means they're on their own journey of processing this reality, and that journey might look different from yours.
Some people need to believe they're safe until the moment proves otherwise. Some need to maintain optimism to function, and some genuinely cannot psychologically afford to sit with the fear.
Your job is not to convince them. Your job is to decide how you want to show up for them and for yourself in this impossible situation.
Gentle Strategies for Difficult Conversations
If you do want to try talking with your family about ICE enforcement, here are some approaches that prioritize connection over persuasion:
1. Lead with Love, Not Fear
Instead of: "You're being naive! Don't you see what's happening?"
Try: "I love you so much, and I'm scared. Can we talk about what's happening with ICE?"
Starting with your feelings rather than their wrongness keeps the conversation from becoming defensive.
2. Share Specific Cases, Not Statistics
People connect with stories more than data. Instead of quoting deportation numbers, share specific cases:
"Did you hear about the Filipino green card holder in Seattle who was detained after 50 years? It's making me really worried."
Stories make it harder to dismiss as "that won't happen to us."
3. Ask Questions Instead of Making Statements
Instead of: "Your papers won't protect you."
Try: "Have you thought about what you'd do if ICE showed up at your door? Do you have a plan?"
Questions invite reflection without triggering defensiveness.
4. Plant Seeds, Don't Demand Harvest
You don't need them to agree with you in the moment. Sometimes the goal is just to plant information that they might remember later.
"I'm going to send you some resources just in case. You don't have to look at them now, but I'd feel better knowing you have them."
5. Use "Both/And" Language
Avoid creating a choice between believing they're safe or believing they're in danger.
"I know you've done everything right. And I also know that right now, even people with papers are getting stopped. Both things can be true."
6. Respect Their Timeline
"I know this is hard to think about. You don't have to decide anything right now. I'm here when you're ready to talk about it."
When They Still Won't Listen: Protecting Yourself
Sometimes, despite your gentlest approach, family members won't engage. They might get angry, shut down, or insist you're being dramatic.
When this happens, you need strategies to protect your own mental health:
Set Boundaries Around the Topic
You don't have to keep bringing it up if it's damaging your relationship or your wellbeing.
"I've shared what I needed to share. I'm here if you want to talk about it, but I'm not going to keep pushing."
Accept What You Can and Cannot Control
You have control over your own actions, your boundaries, your support system, and how you process your fear. You do not have control over their beliefs, their choices, whether they take your warnings seriously, or what happens to them. Accepting this distinction can help you focus your energy on what's actually within your power to change.
Find Others Who Understand
Connect with other Filipino-Canadians who are going through the same thing. Knowing you're not alone in this specific pain matters.
Take Breaks from the News
Set specific times to check updates rather than scrolling constantly. You need to preserve your capacity to function.
Prepare for "I Told You So" Moments
If something does happen, your job won't be to say "I warned you." It will be to show up with support. Decide now how you want to be there for them if the worst happens.
When Political Differences Make It Harder
For some Filipino-Canadians, this situation is even more complicated because their family members support Trump or believe the administration's claims that ICE is "only targeting criminals."
This adds another layer of grief. It's not just fear for their safety, but sadness that their values have diverged so sharply.
If this is your situation, remember that you can love someone and completely disagree with their politics. You can be terrified for someone who supports the very policies putting them at risk. This is painful and confusing, and both things can be true at the same time.
Consider whether political arguments will actually help or just create more distance. Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is maintain connection despite disagreement, so that when reality shifts, they know they can come to you.
Taking Care of Yourself in the Meantime
While you're navigating these difficult conversations, don't forget to tend to your own wellbeing.
Acknowledge your grief. You may be mourning the safety you thought your family had, and the fact that you can't protect them. This grief is real and deserves space.
Pay attention to how your body responds. Secondary trauma can show up physically in many ways. These are normal responses to an abnormal situation.
Connect with your own support system. Talk to friends, a therapist, or community members who understand what you're going through.
Remember that kapwa doesn't mean martyrdom. Being connected to your family's wellbeing doesn't mean destroying your own. You can care deeply about them while still protecting yourself.
Channel your fear into action when possible. Whether that's supporting Filipino advocacy organizations, learning about legal rights, or building community connections, taking action can help with feelings of helplessness.
Moving Forward: What This Means for You
You might be reading this hoping for a strategy that will finally make your family listen. The truth is, there might not be one.
But here's what you can do: you can show up with love, plant seeds of information without demanding they grow immediately, and set boundaries that protect your own wellbeing. You can accept that their journey through this crisis might look different from yours.
You can prepare yourself emotionally for what might come, whether that's them eventually seeing the danger and needing support, or something happening before they do.
Most importantly, you can release the idea that their safety depends on whether you say the right thing. Their safety depends on systemic forces far beyond your control or your conversations.
What you do have control over is caring for yourself while caring about them, staying connected without drowning in their denial, and balancing hope with realistic preparation.
You don't have to carry this alone, find all the answers, or fix their fear and your own. You just have to keep showing up for them and for yourself the best way you know how.
When You Need Additional Support
If you're struggling with anxiety, grief, or helplessness around ICE enforcement and its impact on your family, therapy can help. At Larô Therapy, we understand the unique challenges Filipino-Canadians face when loved ones are at risk across the border.
We offer culturally-responsive support for:
Processing secondary trauma and vicarious fear
Navigating difficult conversations with family
Setting boundaries while maintaining connection
Coping with anticipatory grief and powerlessness
Balancing self-care with community care
Book a Mutual Fit Call to explore how therapy might support you during this difficult time.
Resources for Your Family (When They're Ready)
If and when your family is open to information about ICE enforcement, here are resources you can share:
Know Your Rights:
Immigrant Defense Project: https://www.immigrantdefenseproject.org/know-your-rights/
ACLU Immigrant Rights: https://www.aclu.org/know-your-rights/immigrants-rights/
Filipino-Specific Support:
National Alliance for Filipino Concerns (NAFCON)
Filipino American Legal Defense and Education Fund (FALDEF)
Tanggol Migrante Movement
Legal Support:
Immigration Advocates Network: https://www.immigrationadvocates.org/
National Immigration Law Center: https://www.nilc.org/
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