From 'Dapat' to 'Pwede': Learning to Question the Filipino 'Shoulds' That Drain You
Filipino man holding his palm out to the camera in a pedestrian crossing lane. By Rey Melvin Caraan
You wake up on a Saturday morning, and before you even open your eyes, the mental checklist begins:
"I should call my parents. Dapat magpadala ako ng pera. I should visit my Tita. Dapat mataas na ang sahod ko. I should be married. I should be grateful—yung iba nga..."
The word "should" doesn't feel like a choice anymore. It feels like an obligation.
If this resonates, you're not alone. For many Filipinos, life feels less like a series of choices and more like a long list of "dapat", things we're supposed to do, ways we're supposed to be, expectations we're supposed to meet. And beneath all these shoulds? Exhaustion and resentment. There's a nagging feeling that no matter how much we do, it's never quite enough.
But what if we told you there's another way? A way to move from "dapat" (should) to "pwede" (can, may, possible)?
The Weight of 'Dapat'
In Filipino culture, "dapat" carries immense weight. These messages start early:
"Dapat mataas ang grades mo" (You should get good grades)
"Dapat maging doktor o nurse ka" (You should become a doctor or nurse)
"Dapat tulungan mo ang pamilya mo" (You should help your family)
"Dapat magpakasal ka na" (You should get married already)
These are rooted in deeply held values like utang na loob (debt of gratitude), hiya (shame/propriety), and pakikisama (maintaining harmony). Whilst these values create strong family bonds and community cohesion, research shows they can also create significant psychological burden when they become rigid obligations.
The Research
A 2025 study examining 557 Filipino college students found significant correlations between utang na loob and both perceived parental academic pressure (p = 0.006) and anxiety symptoms (p < 0.001) (Salvador et al., 2025). The researchers concluded that "the sense of indebtedness students feel toward their parents may be related to their emotional well-being and academic performance."
Another study on Filipino breadwinners revealed that participants grappled with "feelings of guilt, perpetual responsibility, and emotional exhaustion as they navigate the tensions between familial expectations and personal aspirations" (Salvador et al., 2025). The study highlighted that utang na loob creates a cycle where individuals feel they can never fully repay their debt to family, leading to chronic stress and diminished wellbeing.
Research also shows that whilst hiya can motivate individuals to behave according to social expectations, it simultaneously acts as a barrier to help-seeking behaviours and has been associated with higher levels of emotional distress (Park et al., 2024).
The takeaway? These cultural "shoulds" aren't just uncomfortable—they're actively affecting our mental health.
How 'Dapat' Shows Up
Career: "I should have become an engineer like my parents wanted."
Family: "I should send money home every month, even if I can't save."
Relationships: "I should be married with children by now."
Self-Care: "I should handle this stress without help—I'm not weak."
If you recognise yourself, you're experiencing what psychologists call cognitive fusion - being so tangled up with your thoughts that they feel like absolute truths you must obey.
The Cost of Living by 'Should'
When we organise our lives entirely around "should" statements, when they become rigid rules rather than flexible guides, several things happen:
1. We lose connection to our own values. We forget to ask: "What actually matters to me?"
2. We experience chronic guilt and anxiety. No matter how much we do, it never feels like enough.
3. We build resentment. Constantly doing things we feel we "should" do rather than choose to do breeds resentment.
4. We ignore our needs until we burn out. When "should" always trumps "want," we neglect rest and boundaries.
5. We struggle to make decisions. When every choice is filtered through "What will others think?" decision-making becomes paralysing.
Research on evidence-based therapy approaches shows that values-driven living, where we make choices based on what's personally meaningful rather than obligation, is associated with greater psychological flexibility, lower anxiety, and improved overall wellbeing (Wilson & DuFrene, 2009).
Important note: This isn't about rejecting all "shoulds" or ignoring family obligations. Many "shoulds" reflect genuine values and important commitments. The problem isn't having obligations, it's when they become so rigid that there's no room for your own wellbeing or authentic choice.
A Different Way: From 'Dapat' to 'Pwede'
There's a powerful alternative to the "should" spiral. Rather than trying to eliminate "should" thoughts (impossible—our minds will keep generating them), evidence-based therapy teaches us to change our relationship with them. The goal isn't to stop caring about family or reject cultural values, it's to create space so you can choose how you honour those values in a way that's sustainable for you.
Two key processes help:
Cognitive Defusion
This creates psychological distance from thoughts so they have less control over behaviour. Research shows that defusion techniques help individuals "experience their thoughts as thoughts (which are nothing more than products of their unique history) and engage in actions in service of what matters" (Hayes et al., 2012).
A 2015 study found that defusion interventions significantly reduced the impact of unhelpful thoughts and increased psychological flexibility, allowing participants to take value-driven actions even in the presence of distressing thoughts (Larsson et al., 2015).
In simple terms: instead of being pushed around by every "should," you learn to notice it, acknowledge it, and then choose whether to follow it.
Values Clarification
This helps you identify what truly matters to you—not what your family or culture says should matter. Research shows that "values work lies at the heart" of effective therapy and "allows temporally distal reinforcers to influence behaviour," meaning values help us stay committed to meaningful action even when difficult (Plumb & Vilardaga, 2022).
Five Strategies to Move from 'Dapat' to 'Pwede'
1. Notice and Name Your 'Should' Thoughts
The Practice: Start paying attention. When you catch yourself thinking "I should," reframe it:
"I'm having the thought that I should visit my parents this weekend."
Why It Works: This is the first step in defusion, you can't change your relationship with thoughts you don't notice. Research shows that simply observing thoughts without judgment reduces their emotional impact (Harris, 2009).
This small linguistic shift reminds you it's a thought, not a command.
2. Distinguish Between Values and Obligations
The Practice: For each major "should," ask:
Am I doing this because I genuinely value it, or because I fear consequences?
If no one would know I didn't do this, would I still choose it?
Does this bring me closer to the person I want to be?
Why It Works: Values and obligations can look similar but feel very different. Values energise us (even when difficult), whilst obligations drain us. Research shows that behaviour driven by authentic values leads to greater wellbeing than behaviour driven by external pressure (Wilson et al., 2010).
Example:
Obligation: "I should send money home because my parents expect it and I'll feel guilty if I don't."
Values-based: "I choose to support my family because I value generosity and I'm setting a limit that allows me to save for my future."
Notice the difference? One is driven by fear, the other by conscious choice.
3. Use the 'Hands as Thoughts' Metaphor
The Practice: This therapeutic exercise helps create distance from overwhelming thoughts:
Hold your hands up close to your face, palms facing you, blocking your view
Notice how when your thoughts (hands) are right in front of your face, they're all you can see
Now, slowly lower your hands to waist level whilst keeping them in view
Notice you can still see your thoughts (hands), but now you can also see the room around you
Why It Works: This exercise physically demonstrates what defusion feels like—your thoughts are still there, but they're not dominating your entire field of vision. Research shows that experiential exercises like this are more effective than purely verbal interventions in promoting defusion (Harris, 2009).
In Practice: When you notice a strong "should" thought, imagine gently lowering your hands. The thought doesn't disappear, but you create space to choose whether to follow it.
4. Replace 'Should' with 'Choose To' or 'Could'
The Practice: When you catch a "should," try replacing it:
"I should..." → "I could..." or "I choose to..."
"I have to..." → "I'm choosing to..."
"I must..." → "I'd like to..."
Why It Works: This linguistic shift reminds you that you're an agent with choices, not a victim of obligations. Even when consequences are real, recognising your agency reduces feelings of powerlessness and resentment.
Examples:
"I should call my mom" → "I could call my mom, or I could text her, or I could call tomorrow when I have more energy."
"I have to attend this gathering" → "I'm choosing to attend because I value family connection, and I'm choosing to leave early because I also value my rest."
Notice how this language creates space and acknowledges your choice?
5. Set Boundaries Based on Values, Not Guilt
The Practice: When setting a boundary:
Identify your core value (e.g., "I value my health and rest")
Acknowledge the other person's perspective (e.g., "I know it's important to you")
State your boundary clearly (e.g., "I won't be able to attend this time")
If desired, offer an alternative (e.g., "Can we plan something next month?")
Why It Works: Boundaries rooted in values are clearer and more sustainable than boundaries rooted in anger or exhaustion. They also feel less like rejection to others because you're not saying "I don't care about you", you're saying "I care about you and I need to honour my wellbeing."
Example: Instead of: "I can't come because I'm too tired" (invites debate) Try: "I'm not able to join this weekend. I've been prioritising rest to take care of my mental health. Can we schedule something for next month?"
Values clarification exercises (like rating life domains for importance and alignment, or the "80th birthday" reflection) can help you identify what truly matters to you. Many therapists use these tools to help clients distinguish their authentic values from inherited "shoulds."
Addressing Common Fears
As you begin questioning your "shoulds," fears will inevitably arise:
"Won't I become selfish?"
Actually, research shows the opposite. When people act from genuine values rather than obligation, they're more generous, not less, because their giving comes from a place of genuine choice rather than resentment (Wilson & DuFrene, 2009). You can deeply value family connection and set limits. These aren't opposites.
"My family will be disappointed."
They might be, initially. But disappointment isn't the same as harm. Your family's feelings are valid, and you're allowed to make choices that align with your values. Often, when we set boundaries with clarity and compassion, our relationships improve over time because we're showing up more authentically.
"I'm disrespecting my culture."
You're not rejecting Filipino values, you're evolving them. You can honour connection, generosity, and respect whilst also setting boundaries and caring for yourself. In fact, many Filipino values like "malasakit" (compassionate care) should also extend to yourself. Cultural values aren't static. Each generation adapts them to their context whilst keeping the heart of what matters.
"I'm being ungrateful."
Gratitude and autonomy aren't mutually exclusive. You can be deeply grateful for your family's sacrifices and still make choices about how you want to live your life. True gratitude doesn't mean endless servitude—it means honouring their sacrifices by building a meaningful life.
When to Seek Professional Support
If you're finding it difficult to shift from "should" to "choose", or if the process brings up painful emotions like grief, anger, or overwhelming guilt—therapy can help.
At Larô Therapy, we help Filipino adults:
Identify and defuse from unhelpful "should" thoughts
Clarify your authentic values (separate from family expectations)
Build skills to set boundaries with compassion
Process the grief of not meeting certain cultural expectations
Navigate the tension between honouring your culture and honouring yourself
We understand the unique complexity of Filipino cultural values because we live them too. You won't have to explain why utang na loob feels so heavy, or why setting boundaries with family feels different than setting boundaries with anyone else—we already get it.
From Obligation to Choice
Here's the truth: you can honour your Filipino heritage, care deeply about your family, stay connected to your community, and make choices based on your own values. These aren't mutually exclusive.
The shift from "dapat" to "pwede" isn't about rebellion, it's about consciousness. It's about moving from:
"I must" → "I could"
"I should" → "I choose to"
"I have to" → "I want to"
And sometimes:
"I should say yes" → "I'm saying no, with love"
This doesn't mean every "should" is wrong or that you'll reject all of them. Some "shoulds" do align with your genuine values. The key is learning to tell the difference and giving yourself permission to choose how you honour your commitments in a way that's sustainable for both you and your relationships.
You deserve to build a life that feels like yours, not just a checklist of obligations you're trying to complete.
You deserve rest without guilt, boundaries without shame, and choices that honour both your culture and your authentic self.
That's not selfish. That's wisdom. That's "pwede." 🩵
Ready to Move from 'Dapat' to 'Pwede'?
If you're ready to explore values-based living whilst navigating the real complexity of Filipino cultural expectations, we're here to help.
Book a Mutual Fit Call and start your journey towards conscious choice, not endless obligation.
References
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Larsson, A., Hooper, N., Osborne, L. A., Bennett, P., & McHugh, L. (2015). Using brief cognitive restructuring and cognitive defusion techniques to cope with negative thoughts. Behavior Modification, 40(3), 452-482. https://doi.org/10.1177/0145445515621488
Park, M., Kim, J., Lee, S., et al. (2024). Cultural values and mental health help-seeking among Asian Americans. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology.
Plumb, J. C., & Vilardaga, R. (2022). Working with values: An overview of approaches and considerations in implementation. Behavior Analysis in Practice, 15(2), 467-482. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40617-021-00639-1
Salvador, M. T. M., Hadi, T. L., & Manaois, J. O. (2025). The weight of gratitude: Filipino breadwinners' lived experiences within the context of utang na loob. International Journal of Social Research.
Salvador, M. T. M., Hadi, T. L., & Manaois, J. O. (2025). Utang na loob, perceived parental academic pressure and mental health status among Filipino college students. Mental Health and Social Inclusion, 29(5), 571-587. https://doi.org/10.1108/MHSI-11-2024-0206
Wilson, K. G., & DuFrene, T. (2009). Mindfulness for Two: An Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Approach to Mindfulness in Psychotherapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Wilson, K. G., Sandoz, E. K., Kitchens, J., & Roberts, M. (2010). The Valued Living Questionnaire: Defining and measuring valued action within a behavioral framework. The Psychological Record, 60(2), 249-272. https://doi.org/10.1007/BF03395706
Disclaimer: This blog post is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or mental health advice. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please call your local emergency services or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
Published by Larô Therapy | Ontario, Canada | Services provided through secure online video-conferencing to anyone in Canada